There Are No Cats In America (2013)

There Are No Cats In America was held on November 29, 2013. The show was highlighted by Carlito defending the WWE Championship against J-Pac, World Heavyweight Champion Sheamus putting the gold on the line against Razor Ramon in a First Blood Sample match, and DEFAULT taking on Brock Lesnar in a Submission match.

Background
SvR06's longest reigning WWE Champion Carlito managed to qualify and win the coveted trophy in the same night at Walter's World, as he did in his initial victory at Son of Jackass. That night, he also battled three other opponents to claim the top prize. However, his means were a little more questionable this time around as he obtained victory following J-Pac's accidental tumble from the top of the cell. J-Pac sulked initially, feeling that he'd failed to make good on The Year of J-Pac. Unexpectedly, a fire broke out in J-Pac and a sense of determination came out in him that hadn't been seen since the days he first appeared in SvR06 Land. Despite persistent attempts to gain a rematch, Carlito refused and opted to spin yarns about his past title defenses like a weathered war veteran. But when the battle-tested champion's legitimacy was called into question, he quickly reconsidered. It was finally decided that J-Pac can has title match at the first-ever There Are No Cats In America event. Will the Year of J-Pac resume or can we expect another year and a half long title run from the crafty Caribbean?

At Walter's World, the World Heavyweight Championship match ended in controversy when both combatants fell to the mat and were counted out. Despite this result, Razor Ramon's Money in the Bank cash in was still recognized. The result became even more controversial when Sheamus cried roofie upon awakening. The Celtic champion would go on to accuse Ramon of being the culprit, due to his past experience in dealing with narcotics, and suggested that he drugged him in an attempt to pick up an easy victory. Things took an even odder turn when Razor claimed that he was roofied at some point in the evening as well. Assuming that one of them wasn't being entirely truthful, the two were placed in a First Blood Sample match for the World Heavyweight Championship. The winner will leave with the World Heavyweight Title whereas the loser of the contest will have a blood test run to determine whether or not they were actually drugged during their previous encounter.

At Walter's World, a match between father and son turned into one of the biggest shockers in SvR06 history when Brock Lesnar arrived and secured the victory for Walter. Walter has stated that the inclusion of Lesnar marks a new era for the WPW, where every member gets Jimmy John's sandwiches at half price and the employees don't do that whole fast talking thing. Lesnar would go on to ramble about how DEFAULT has piss running down his kilt-like thing and stressed that he's not a Superstar but a guy who used to fight bald dudes in a cage. DEFAULT would eventually issue a challenge to Brock, but insinuated that the newly-initiated Walter P. Wiley Guy wouldn't accept out of fear that his F-5 couldn't match up against the Funny-5. Lesnar accepted, but reminded DEFAULT that he didn't need the F-5 to snap his clawed arms in the Kimura Lock. With that statement, Walter officially ruled that this bout would be contested as a Submission match and held at There Are No Cats In America.

After defeating the colossal forces of The Undertaker, Chewbacca, and Big Show, Vigo the Carpathian is officially 3-0 in SvR06 competition. Vigo's crusade to conquer the most powerful forces in the land is seeing worthy combatants quickly depleting. As Vigo himself began to believe that no further challengers remained, a familiar painted face returned to take on the Moldavian madman. While not is great in stature as Vigo's prior adversaries, Warrior quickly made an argument for being the most powerful when he expelled the cruel Carpathian from the ring. With this explosive battle going down at There Are No Cats in America, will the villainous Vigo's streak persevere or will the power of the Warrior be too much to handle?

Ever since winning the King of the Ring tournament, Wilson Fisk has been living out his reign to the fullest. The Kingpin hasn't competed since the tournament finals, but rather has been presiding over each event in his own private box. Ricardo Diaz has voiced displeasure with his former partner and business associate's behavior. This prompted the massive monarch to challenge his coke-dealing compadre to a match. Diaz initially refused, not wanting to fight his friend, but had a change of heart when Kingpin hired Shocker to destroy his brand new VCR. These kings of crime will square off for the very first time ever at There Are No Cats In America.

The Justice Bros were unsuccessful in retaining their WWE Tag Team Titles at Walter's World. Nevertheless, it's been a successful few weeks for the super-stable. The new addition of The Red Head has increased their strength and the concealed nature of their outfits has drawn the attention of fashion connoisseur Coach D. Feel the Burn issued a challenge to the Bros, but was only accepted under the condition that they would receive a future title shot if victorious. The Red Head will get his first chance to run with the boys as he stands in their corner during this contest. This upset The Hurricane, who seemed to feel that Red Head is the stepchild of some sort of questionable hair pigment to the group. It will be seen at There Are No Cats In America whether or not The Red Head can pass his first test and if The Justice Bros can once again find themselves in the championship picture.

It's hockey season once again, and newly crowned WWE Tag Team Champion Chris Jericho has been outspokenly projecting that the New York Rangers will take the Stanley Cup this season. This didn't go over well with recent hockey nut Prankster Ben, who boldly predicted that the Chicago Blackhawks will once again win the cup this year. Things grew even more heated when Jericho referred to Brandon Bollig as nothing more than a common goon. As hockey fanatic lines continued to be crossed, the two conclusively decided to dawn their pads and take to the ice by squaring off in a match at There Are No Cats In America. Will Ben be able to defend his defending champion Blackhawks or will Jericho prove the Rangers to be a formidable team?

Distraught due to not having a single win to their name this year, JBL and DCR went bowling. JBL took notice of DCR's poor game and advised him that he needs to keep his balls clean. This comment attracted the attention of a gentleman in the opposite lane, whose eyes lit up as in spun around in disgust. Booker T told JBL that he was some kind of sick freak telling his young associate such things. Naturally, because this is wrestling, this incident led to a match being set between JBL and Booker T at There Are No Cats In America.

They say that there are no cats in America and that the streets are paved with cheese. Obviously this is not the case, but it retains the title of being the Land of Opportunity nevertheless. However, at the upcoming event, SvR06 Land will borrow that namesake as a battle royal will be held to determine the newest member of the WPW team. Walter is looking to increase his numbers, and with the recent inclusion of Brock Lesnar, the WPW Army could potentially become an unstoppable force to rule over all. Walter wanted to make it perfectly clear that everyone was eligible to enter this match. Old, young, big, small, male, female, living, or mortally challenged. One can only wonder who the victor, or even who the participants, may be.

As if There Are No Cats In America wasn't a loaded show already, "Macho Man" Randy Savage will be granted a rematch for the United States Championship that he lost at Walter's World. Reigning champion Winslow J. Wiley was displeased that he was informed of this a mere week before the event, leaving him little time to prepare. Winslow initially resisted accepting the title match, which Macho took as a sign of disrespect. But Commissioner Wiley saw to it that Savage's challenge would be recognized, regardless of how his brother felt about it. Will Macho Madness seize the gold once more or will he once again prove no match for All-American Arm Strength?

Results
This Thanksgiving, Commissioner Wiley held an event to celebrate his hatred for felines. But per usual, things didn't go quite as he might have envisioned.

Kicking things off, two former allies squared off as Ricardo Diaz attempted smack some sense back into the throne-dwelling Kingpin. Despite his best efforts, he was no match for the sheer weight that came crashing upon him to issue him a defeat.

Next up, World Tag Team Champions Kane Paul and Coach D took on former WWE Tag Team Champions Dynamite Derek and Super Sheik. Accompanying them was newest Justice Bros member, The Red Head. Super Sheik and The Hurricane have little faith in Red Head thus far due to his recklessness, hard-edged demeanor, and presumed freckles. These qualities nearly cost the caped comrades a victory, and even got Red Head ejected from the match. However, in part due to a referee who took liberties with the rules, The Justice Bros battled back to score the win and earn a future tag title opportunity.

Though he hadn’t initially intended on it, Winslow J. Wiley put his United States Title on the line against “Macho Man” Randy Savage. Before the show had begun, an unknown assailant had thrown powder in the eye of Winslow. It was recommended that he not compete, but since he doubles as his own doctor, he cleared himself regardless of advisement. Savage, dawning a Pilgrim-inspired outfit, looked to pick up the victory over the wounded Wiley early on. After four double axe handles couldn’t keep the champion down, Macho expelled the referee from the ring and repeatedly took a steel chair to Winslow. The ref recovered only to see the pin and crowned Macho Man the new United States Champion.

Vigo the Carpathian has yet to be defeated since arriving in SvR06, taking down the most powerful entities available along the way. This time, Vigo accepted the ultimate challenge and battled it out with the Ultimate Warrior. Warrior started out strong, looking as though he may be the man to finally issue Vigo his first defeat. The tide turned, however, when The True Phenom kicked out of Warrior’s devastating splash. From this point on, Vigo continued to drain the power from his ultimate opponent until no strength or will remained. Never before has the Warrior been dismantled quite like this, and never before has there been a competitor as dominating as Vigo the Carpathian.

As expected, the First Blood Sample match for the World Heavyweight Championship turned into an all-out brawl. The desire to see red had these combatants seeing red, each determined to settle who was truly roofied last month and to leave the World Heavyweight Champion. After suffering from two High Crosses, one on the guardrail and the other off of the Spanish announce table, The Great White smelled blood in the water and drew more the head of Razor Ramon. Per stipulation, Sheamus collected it in a vial and rushed to the lab. The results returned negative, to his apparent surprise, but he soon discovered that roofies are undetectable after a 48 hour period. In a fit of rage, Sheamus admitted to slipping the pill to Razor mid-match and taking one himself in order to retain his belt and frame The Bad Guy. This ploy left many scratching their heads, but left one member of the roster angered that someone would use drugs for non-recreational use.

In a battle over balls, Booker T pitted himself against JBL. The Longhorn Loudmouth was on the losing end for a time, as he continued to try to explain the difference between bowling balls and testicles during the match. But DCR, who Booker was essentially fighting in defense of, made sure that his business associate walked out with a victory in hand and a cowboy hat in the other.

Prankster Ben fought for the honor of his beloved Blackhawks against Ranger fan Chris Jericho. Jericho’s tag partner, Mark ‘Jindrick’ attempted to lend a hand throughout the match, but was far too distracted by the twerking of Prankster Skates and his Miley Cyrus/Michael Jordan getup. In the end, Prankster Ben came in like a wrecking ball and picked up the win over Y2J.

Yet again, DEFAULT found himself in an unfair situation: a Submission match against the debuting WPW member Brock Lesnar. DEFAULT had clearly studied the techniques of Lesnar, applying many MMA-style takedowns throughout the match. But it was both Lesnar’s F5 and Kimura lock that led to DEFAULT’s downfall. Once again, Walter has made life difficult for the son who was once riding high as SvR06’s top star.

The WPW Invitational saw an initial five combatants vie for a chance at entering the most powerful stable in SvR06. They were Mankind, Jimmy Hart, founding WPW member Al Snow, Tiger wearing a Native American-inspired outfit, and the debuting superspy Wrestler: Unstoppable. As the battle royal was about to commence, the attention was once again drawn to the entranceway. A familiar figure stood amidst pyrotechnics and sepia tone overlays. A figure of a cat. Josh the Cat scratched and clawed his way through the opposition as the crowd erupted with “Meow!” chants. Despite his efforts, he eventually found himself on the outside of the ring. Before he left, however, he sprayed the ring apron as a territorial sign that we haven’t seen the last of him. The match-up came down to Mankind and Wrestler: Unstoppable. Unfortunately, Mankind’s attempt to elbow Double-O Seven off the apron led to his elimination.

Immediately after the battle royal had wrapped, Walter decided to welcome the newest member of WPW by entering him in the WWE Championship match between Carlito and J-Pac. This completely changed the dynamic of the bout, and J-Pac’s chances looked even slimmer following multiple double team maneuvers. As Carlito attempted to use a steel chair on his rival, J-Pac turned the tables and managed to become a 3-time WWE Champion.