Diaz's Fuck Fest VIII

Diaz's Fuck Fest VIII was the eighth edition of the biggest event in SvR06. It was held on April 14, 2012. The main attractions of the show consisted of World Heavyweight Champion Perfect Ben defending the gold against 2012 Laugh Like Pee-wee winner DEFAULT, WWE Champion Carlito putting the title on the line against Rob Van Dam, The Undertaker squaring off against "Stone Cold" Steve Austin in a no-disqualification battle of What vs. Why, and a showdown of wrestling against boxing as Iron Sheik takes on King Hippo.

Background
After weeks of pointing his claws at the Diaz's Fuck Fest VIII sign hung within the arena, DEFAULT officially announced that he will be using his Laugh Like Pee-wee title opportunity to take on World Heavyweight Champion Perfect Ben. The two have a storied history, as Perfect Ben was responsible for getting DEFAULT arrested and stripped of the World title. DEFAULT will get a final shot to redeem himself on the Most Average Stage of them All, Diaz's Fuck Fest. He also stated that he will be dedicating his match to every child who has had to grow up with the disability of being a freak.

Carlito has been saying that he can't be beaten because nobody is as cool as he is. RVD approached Carlito and asked him if he was cool. Carlito asked what RVD meant, to which he responded with "Heh heh...okay." As Carlito stood bewildered, Van Dam told him "Let me tell you about Laugh Like Pee-wee, man," and informed him that he earned himself a title shot against the Ultimate Warrior in January. After a segment that you'd probably have to be stoned yourself to understand, it was made official that RVD would challenge Carlito at The Fest with the WWE title on the line.

At Diaz's Fuck Fest VIII, one of the biggest matches in the history will take place. It all began when The Undertaker came to the ring, asking "WHHHHHHHHHHHYYYYYYY!" he didn't have a match at The Fest. Before he could go any further, Stone Cold joined him. Austin asked "WHAT?" Undertaker was rambling on about. The two traded whats and whys back and forth before R-Truth jumped in with "JIMMY!". The so-called New Age Philosophers disposed of Truth before continuing their battle of words. After this had gone on for an hour, the two realized that the best way for them to solve their issue was to face each other at The Fest. So with that, the stage for the War of What and Why was set. Mark your calendars for a battle of biblical proportions.

Iron Sheik recently made a public statement, saying that if he ever got the chance he could humble any boxer in the world. Initially, Gabby Jay was willing to step up to the challenge. Sadly, Sheik sodomized him with a Beck's beer bottle and Jay soon stepped down from the challenge. Sheik continued to taunt the boxing industry, until finally, boxing legend King Hippo stepped up to the opportunity to face Iron Sheik. At Diaz's Fuck Fest VIII, it will be decided once and for all who the superior athlete is. Boxer or wrestler. This match will be contested under Last Man Standing rules, and it has been announced that there will be a very special guest referee thrown into the mix as well. Also, former boxing champion Apollo Creed will be acting as guest bell ringer and Hank Hill, Mr. Bud Dink, and Mr. T will act as judges for the contest. Inoki vs. Ali. Show vs. Mayweather. Sheik vs. Hippo. Who will prove to be the superior athlete?

For the first time in history, Ricardo Diaz's namesake is at stake. The greatest event in the history of the world is in jeopardy of being no more. It all started when Walter P. Wiley voiced his displeasure with the current direction of SvR06, stating that he wants to help bring back an era...and era with attitude. That's right, the Swingin' 60s! Walter claimed that the 60s was the best decade for wrestling and said that he's bringing it back. Walter's first course of action is to dispose of the spectacle that is Diaz's Fuck Fest and to replace it with the event known as WalterMania. Diaz confronted Walter, who quickly ran away with his tail literally between his legs (Seriously, he has a vestigial tail). Walter would have hopped in Diaz's car and drove it out of the arena, but who could afford that? So, since verbal forums weighing the pros and cons of exchanging shows doesn't sell pay per views, the two will square off in a match. If Walter wins, Diaz's Fuck Fest VIII will cease to exist at that very moment and WalterMania I will begin. However, if Diaz wins he will receive all the marbles...yes, Walter has put his very own marble collection on the line in this one. In the case that neither win, the show will become known as Sheikapalooza.

J-Pac blames Disco Drew for his nearly year-long pay per view losing streak, as it was he who handed him his first loss of 2011 at May's In My Ass. J-Pac said that this past year has been career hell for him, so in return he is going to put him through hell...HELL IN A CELL! In recent weeks, Disco Drew has been holding J-Pac's drum set hostage. Many times, it appeared that Disco had destroyed Pac's drums but they were all decoys. Unfortunately, the final time, it actually turned out to be J-Pac's drums that he pushed off of the top of a ladder to their tragic demise. With tensions extremely high, one can only wonder what may happen in this HELLacious match-up.

To everyone's surprise, especially Dark Dynamite Derek's, Dynamite Derek made his return at January's Laugh Like Pee-wee. Many have been referring to him as "the hero that SvR06 needs" and it's clear that he's set his sights on removing Dark Dynamite Derek. That being said, the two will go head to head at Diaz's Fuck Fest VIII. The loser of the bout will have to remove his mask and reveal his true identity to the world. The question is where the hell's my grilled cheese? Also, who is the real Derek?

After months of debating about who the superior Hogan is, the team known as Three Hogans, One Cup have decided to lay it all on the line in a Triple Threat match at The Fest. The winner of the match will get full creative control over the team and merchandising rights, as well as rights to the phrases "brother", "dude", "pythons", and "Yappapi"

Nathan DiBiase revealed to Ted DiBiase he'd donated a quarter of a million dollars to charities since the beginning of the year. Ted was outraged at his son's careless handling of the most valuable item in his life. With that, Ted challenged his own adopted flesh and blood to a showdown at The Fest. Nathan DiBiase decided to raise the stakes higher and declared that the match with his father will be a Submission match. The Million Dollar Dream versus...the Million Dollar Dream!

At Dr. Meinheimer, referee Herb Hebner screwed Bret Hart over in the Team Slam Jam vs. Team WPW Elimination Tag Team match-up. Bret searched for months for the person who paid off the crooked referee, with all signs pointing to Perfect Ben. However, as he discovered at Laugh Like Pee-wee, it was Commissioner Slaughter who had the referee cheat Bret of a Dr. Meinheimer win. Slaughter informed The Hitman that he wasn't fond of his new "Everything is a waste of time" attitude, and claimed that it was detrimental to locker room moral. Bret then came to the realization that he shouldn't waste anymore time not making Slaughter pay for what he did to him, and immediately challenged the commissioner to a match at Diaz's Fuck Fest VIII.

The Money in the Bank Ladder Match has provided many shockers over the years. Last year, for example, when Tajiri went on to defeat Bret Hart for the World Heavyweight Championship only to hand the belt over to Walter P. Wiley. Or that time...hm...guess that was the only Money in the Bank Ladder Match. At any rate, four opponents will battle it out on top of a ladder for a shot at a title at any given time. Ultimate Warrior and Coach D competed in last year's, but Chris Jericho and John Cena will be walking in newbies to the contest. Who's going to win this unpredictable match-up?

While this tag team contest may look like nothing more than filler material, there has been much build-up leading into it. After JBL purchased and became chief operator of Slim Jim production, with intentions of changing the name to Slim Jib, "Macho Man" Randy Savage stepped up and challenged JBL's decision. To get back at Savage, JBL had his prodigy, DCR, park their limousine on top of Macho's friend Tiger. Meanwhile, The Natural Disasters battled it out with Show, Rey, Mi. However, Typhoon was rendered unable to compete after a disastrous drywall accident. With these six men left with high tempers and meat sticks wearing cowboy hats, the decision was made to cram them all into one 6-man tag team match-up.

As previously rumored, Juan Gabriel will be joining the massive group of celebrities at Diaz's Fuck Fest VIII as he will be performing live in front of the sold-out crowd.

Results
To open up the biggest show of the year, Ricardo Diaz defended his namesake against Walter P. Wiley and his new show of shows, WalterMania. During the contest, Wilson Fisk and Tajiri made their presence known by defending their comrades. However, after a powerful shot to the gonads, Diaz pinned Walter and allowed the Diaz's Fuck Fest legacy to live on.

In the Money in the Bank Ladder match, Chris Jericho, Coach D, John Cena, and Ultimate Warrior all attempted to climb the literal ladder of success and earn a future title opportunity. Unfortunately for Warrior, he was more concerned about ensuring that the referee was not the man who would retrieve the title. In the end, it was Y2J who would end up winning the title shot. He dedicated his victory to Cartoon Network.

Dynamite Derek was set to square off with Dark Dynamite Derek in a Mask vs. Mask match-up. However, Dark Dynamite Derek seemed to be in a different mind all together. You may even say that it seemed that he had the luck of the Irish on his side. As soon as the bell rang, Dark Dynamite Derek hit Dynamite with a massive Bro Kick and attempted to go for the pin within the first 18 seconds of the contest. However, Dynamite Derek fought back and eventually defeated his milky white counterpart.

Juan Gabriel took to the stage for a mini-concert in front of the live crowd. However, Gabriel lost his footing on stage and plummeted to the floor. This may be the first and last time the Fest will host live music.

In a 6-man Tag Team match, the team of DCR, JBL, and Earthquake took on "Macho Man" Randy Savage, Rey Mysterio, and Big Show. JBL did most of the fighting, however, and allowed DCR to pick up the win. He really would do anything for him!

A rift in the team known as Three Hogans, One Cup led to this massive Triple Threat showdown. Filled with large amounts of finger-pointing, punch-blocking, big-booting, arm-shaking action, the Hogans put it all on the line to prove who was superior. As Hulk Hogan was going for a leg drop on Hollywood Hogan, Hogan 80s stepped in and delivered a devastating finger point/punch combination to Hulk. Despite this, Hollywood seemingly still felt the effects of the leg drop, leading many to speculate that there is perhaps a Phantom Hogan or possibly it was the work of the mythical Nagoh Kcalb Etihw. Regardless, Hogan 80s quickly pinned Hollywood Hogan for the victory.

In a battle between father and son, Ted DiBiase took on Nathan DiBiase in a Submission match. Although the Million Dollar Son attempted to fight through, experience reigned supreme over youth as the elder DiBiase submitted Nathan with the Million Dollar Dream.

Only Hell in a Cell could contain two opponents with as much animosity towards each other as Disco Drew and J-Pac. Since J-Pac's Fest debut, he has found himself staring across the ring at Disco Drew in one form or another. This time, however, the two had a chance to battle it out one on one. For weeks the two had prodded each other, Drew holding J-Pac's drums hostage while J-Pac aired clips of Drew's embarrassing, winless Fest history. The two eventually would ascend to the top of the cell, where Drew would counter a running clothesline that sent J-Pac pummeling to the floor below. Disco Drew also delivered an End of Disco to his already wounded opponent that sent the two through the roof of the cell and straight to the mat below. However, the ferocious battle finally came to a close when J-Pac threw Disco Drew from the top of the cell and then proceeded to dive onto him. J-Pac's unlucky 2011 seems to be in his past while Drew goes 0-6 at the Fest.

Bret Hart took on Commissioner Slaughter, as Slaughter had been attempting to hold back The Hitman since November. Bret beat down the commissioner and locked in the Sharpshooter early on. However, Slaughter proved to have a Luger in his back pocket when The Total Package interfered on his behalf to take out Bret. Despite this, Bret still managed to prevail over the crooked commissioner.

RVD has been striving to get the WWE Championship back from the seemingly unbeatable Carlito for months. This time, he had a one on one opportunity to regain it. However, it seemed that more than just overconfidence was going to RVD's head. After Carlito reversed a 5-Star Frog Splash, he delivered a spine-quivering Haberdasher to his chronic competitor for the victory and retention.

Fewer showdowns have been more massive, yet so simplistic. What vs. Why. Both combatants battled throughout the arena, putting it all on the line. However, after a devastating shot from the steel steps to Austin's head, The Undertaker made quick work of the Texas Rattlesnake with a tombstone piledriver. The alleged streak continues!

It's a question that has been asked for years, who is the superior athlete: Boxer or wrestler. This Last Man Standing contest may have answered that question once and for all as the Iron Sheik, with boxing trainer Doc Louis, challenged King Hippo, with wrestling trainer Blue Meanie. With celebrity guest judges Mr. T, Mr. Dink, and Hank Hill, as well as Apollo Creed as the guest bell ringer, it was truly a match-up of gigantic proportions. Sheik and Hippo both displayed techniques they had picked up from their trainers throughout the contest, while their trainers decided to do battle on the outside of the ring. In the end, Sheik didn't manage to hit Hippo in the gut as many times as required. Hippo fired back with a flurry of punches that knocked Sheik to the mat for the 10 count.

In the main event of the evening, Perfect Ben was set to defend his World Heavyweight Championship against 2012 Laugh Like Pee-wee winner DEFAULT. Rumors had been swirling about a guest referee being added to the contest, and Perfect Ben was shocked to discover that that man was none other than former mentor and the man that he retired, Ric Flair. Although Perfect Ben seemed to have the match in his grasp at many times, the referee was always too busy styling and profiling to notice. Once Ben become frustrated with the one-sided officiating, Flair locked him in the crippling Figure 4 Leg Lock. This was followed up with a ring-shaking Funny-5 from DEFAULT that earned him the victory and championship, the very same title that Perfect Ben had him stripped of last year. Flair help DEFAULT's claw in the air in victory as he stood on the biggest stage the World Heavyweight Champion.