SvR06 Awards (2013)

The 2013 SvR06 Awards were the third annual awards issued to the various competitors, matches, and moments that occured throughout the year. The awards were issued on December 31, 2013.

Results
Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the 2013 SvR06 Awards! Please welcome your host for this evening, Neil Patrick Harris!

Kicking things off, the Nice Guy of the Year Award. The six nominees this evening all displayed acts of true kindness throughout the year. DEFAULT, who stayed true to his fans and didn’t turn his back on anyone for personal gain. Winslow J. Wiley, who supported his nephew DEFAULT throughout the hardest year of his career. Dynamite Derek, for having faith in an up-and-coming masked vigilante when no one else would. Ricardo Diaz, for looking out for the best interests of his former associate when power has seemingly gone to his head. Josh the Cat, for defying death just to give the fans a moment to remember. And lastly, Count Out for inadvertently allowing himself to be counted out and giving his opponents an easy victory. And the award goes to…Winslow J. Wiley! Winslow was unavailable to accept the award, however. Instead, his brother Walter accepted it on his behalf. Walter said that as long as the trophy is in his hands, he’s the Nice Guy of the Year. He then told everyone that if they don’t think he’s the nicest guy, then they can kiss his pale ass.

The next award to be given out is for the Prick of the Year. The nominees are The Kingpin, for allowing a crown to turn him into a wannabe tyrant. Disco Drew, for making sure anyone not named Carlito didn’t touch the WWE Championship. Chris Jericho, for beating DEFAULT within an inch of his life and taunting him while doing so. Sheamus, for slipping an opponent a roofie during a match and trying to frame him for it. Carlito, for refusing to stay out of the WWE Title picture. And of course, Walter P. Wiley for trying to sabotage his own son’s career, betraying two of his closest comrades, and being an all-around corrupt and villainous commissioner. As if there was any doubt, the award goes to Walter P. Wiley. Walter graciously accepted the award, claiming that only he is great enough to be both the nicest guy and the biggest prick of the year.

Moving on to the Unnecessary Risk Moment of the Year. These individuals sacrificed their bodies to the point that a piece of gilded plastic hardly seems like consolation. Nevertheless, the nominees are as follows. Sheamus delivering a High Cross to Razor Ramon, once onto the guardrail and again off of the Spanish announce table, during a heated battle of their literal blood feud. Macho Man deciding to deliver a double axe handle from the top of a ladder instead of retrieving the Money in the Bank prize. Mankind attempting to deliver a patented flying elbow to Wrestler: Unstoppable during the WPW Invitational that ended up eliminating him. DEFAULT taking multiple shots from the steel steps during his intense Last Man Standing match with Chris Jericho. Eddie Guerrero diving from the top of Hell in a Cell in an attempt to break up a pin. And lastly, Jimmy Hart for agreeing to take on the most colossal opponents available. The award goes to…Eddie Guerrero for his death-defying dive at Walter’s World. Eddie Guerrero limped out to accept the award, saying that he will give people another moment to remember when he wins the 2014 Laugh Like Pee-wee match.

Next up, the Breakout Star of the Year. Many competitors stepped up their game this year, but only one truly made an impact that solidified them as a permanent star. Big Show, who entered the year a former tag team champion and finished it with a WWE Championship match under his belt. Ricardo Diaz, who fought his way to get to the main event of his own show and won his very first WWE Championship from year-and-a-half champion Carlito. Brock Lesnar, who broke onto the scene as the WPW’s problem eliminator and defeated top star DEFAULT in a grueling Submission match. Vigo the Carpathian, who debuted by defeating and possessing the body of The Undertaker at the biggest show of the year before going on an unprecedented undefeated streak. Razor Ramon, for using his Money in the Bank victory to launch himself into the World Title picture for the remainder of the year. And Sheamus, who entered the year holding both the Intercontinental and United States belts but went on to win the 2013 Laugh Like Pee-wee, defeat Hogan 80s for the World Title, and retain it for the duration of the year. And the breakout star of 2013 is…Vigo the Carpathian! Vigo accepted the award, proclaiming that time is but a window and that the WWE Championship is on the other side of the glass.

The Best Outfit of the Year Award. While this ceremony is a black tie affair, this award celebrates some of the more unorthodox attires throughout the year. “Macho Man” Randy Savage, whose Thanksgiving-inspired costume sent him on a pilgrimage that ended with the United States Title firmly in his grasp. Tiger, whose Thanksgiving-inspired costume didn’t earn him a victory but rather exposed his testicles due to the choice of an ill-fitting loincloth. The Pranksters, for their Carlito and Disco Drew garb that while accurate ended up costing Prankster Ben a WWE Title victory. The Pranksters, channeling their inner Ax and Smash to take on Common Bonds in a Tables match. The Pranksters, toting their Tables match victory by raiding the wardrobe of Bubba Ray and D-Von. And finally, The Pranksters as a Chicago Blackhawk and a disgustingly distracting Miley Cyrus “23” outfit. And the award goes to, in a major shocker, The Pranksters for their portrayal of a Chicago Blackhawk and Miley Cyrus. The Pranksters accepted their award dressed as Tiger Woods and his golf club-swinging wife. Apparently the duo had mistaken black tie affair for black guy affair.

“Two Snakes Playing Jumprope”. Now what the hell does that exactly mean, you might ask. Only JBL truly knows after witnessing our first nominee for this award for bizarre and outrageous moment of the year. Alistair Smythe kissing The Kingpin while on Kiss Cam. Booker T calling out JBL for instructing DCR to “keep his balls clean” at the bowling alley. Brock Lesnar skittishly ascends the Spanish announce table, exposing his fear of heights. The twists and turns that were The Great Roofie Caper. Walter P. Wiley demanding first pick for the Laugh Like Pee-wee match, only to end up drawing #1. And last, The Pranksters staying true to their word by not wearing anything in the Elimination Chamber…quite literally. And the “Two Snakes Playing Jumprope” Award goes to…The Pranksters! The two accepted the award, now wearing a proper suit and tie. The two spoke very seriously, delivering a public service announcement to ensure everyone that there is absolutely nothing humorous about male nudity. When the duo turned around to leave, they revealed that the seats of their pants were cut out.

The Surprise(?!) of the Year, as Mean Gene would properly say it, was next up. The nominees included Chewbacca and King Hippo for their unannounced participation in the 30-man Laugh Like Pee-wee match. Josh the Cat rising from the neighbor’s pool and returning to SvR06. Brock Lesnar being enlisted into WPW. Macho Man blinding and pummeling Winslow J. Wiley with a chair to win back the United States Championship. J-Pac getting the jump on Ricardo Diaz and Big Show during the In Me Arse contract signing by hiding under the table. And finally, Andre the Giant answers the challenge of Jimmy Hart and defeats him for the United States Title. And the award goes to…Josh the Cat! Everyone’s favorite feline accepted the award, and left us with the message that 2014 will be his ball of yarn starting with his victory at Dr. Meinheimer.

This year, six teams earned the nomination of Team of the Year. The Pranksters, who entered the year as World Tag Team Champions. The Justice Bros, who held the WWE Tag Team Championship and accepted a new member into the team. Y2Jindrak, who helped secure Jericho’s World Heavyweight Title and eventually won the WWE Tag Team Titles. Feel the Burn, whose mutual dislike of The Pranksters led them to World Tag Team gold. Frozone, whose partnership kept the WWE Title safely around Carlito’s waist. And WPW, who dominated the company and made everyone play by their rules. This year’s award goes to…Feel the Burn! Coach D and Kane Paul accepted the award when D began to tell everyone to get dressed. When he saw that they were all dressed well, he allowed them to go on about their business.

The Match of the Year. It’s one thing to put on a memorable performance but quite another to put on the best performance. This year’s nominees were: The 2013 Laugh Like Pee-wee match, won by Sheamus. Sheamus and Razor Ramon for the World Heavyweight Championship at Walter’s World. J-Pac, Big Show, and Ricardo Diaz for the WWE Championship at In Me Arse. Vigo the Carpathian vs. The Undertaker at Diaz’s Fuck Fest IX. Carlito, Prankster Ben, Disco Drew, and Prankster Skates for the WWE Championship at Laugh Like Pee-wee. And Dynamite Derek & Super Sheik against Coach D & Kane Paul for a future tag team title shot. The award for 2013 Match of the Year goes to…Sheamus vs. Razor Ramon! Sheamus and Razor accepted the award. Sheamus began to wish Razor luck in the Superstar of the Year category, but figured that he doesn’t stand a chance of winning. Razor began to wish Sheamus luck in defending his title at Dr. Meinheimer, but figured that he doesn’t have any sort of advantage going into their Triple Threat TLC match.

Finally, the Superstar of the Year. J-Pac, who boldly stated a year ago that 2013 would be his and made a good argument by capturing the WWE Title twice. Carlito, who fought his way back to the point that entered the year at. Sheamus, who entered the year at the middle of the road and finished on top of the heap. Vigo the Carpathian, for going undefeated against some of the most dominant forces in the universe. Ricardo Diaz, for finally main eventing his own show and winning the big one. And Razor Ramon, for establishing himself as consistent main eventer. The award for 2013 Superstar of the Year goes to…Sheamus! Sheamus arrived to accept his award, but couldn’t find it. What he found instead was RVD behind a curtain using his trophy as a hitter.

As the ceremony drew to a close, attention became focused on what was going on outside. Count Out said that he saw a figure fall from one of the outdoor balconies. DEFAULT said he heard Goldust scream and came running to find out what had happened. Ric Flair was drunk and exposing himself to passersby. Nobody really knew how it happened, but everyone recognized the figure laying on the hard, unforgiving ground. They all gathered around to gaze upon what had moments ago been an arrogant, slimy, mustached commissioner. The figure sprawled on the pavement was Walter P. Wiley.