It's a Very SvR06 Christmas (2013)

It's a Very SvR06 Christmas 2013 was the third of the It's a Very SvR06 Christmas series, held on December 24, 2013. The show bridges the events of There Are No Cats In America and Dr. Meinheimer.

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People all over the world celebrate Christmas in many ways. In SvR06, Christmas is celebrated by pitting two gladiators in a battle for the right to be called Christmas Champion. It’s A Very SvR06 Christmas 3: Walter’s White Christmas!

The show kicked off with a Naughty or Nice Ladder match featuring Dusty Rhodes, Eddie Guerrero, Earthquake, and Jimmy Hart. Suspended high above the ring were two gifts: one in a large, neatly wrapped box and the other in discolored, duct taped newspaper. The four combatants put it all on the line to get their hands on the gifts. In the end, however, Jimmy Hart retrieved the well-wrapped gift while Dusty pulled down the dirty one. Dusty accepted his prize, saying that “It’s the thought that counts when it comes to a nifty gifty, baby.” He opened it to find his prize: a guaranteed opportunity to enter the upcoming 30-man Laugh Like Pee-wee match. Outraged, Jimmy tore open his gift to discover that he had won a date with the world’s most eligible bachelor, Snitsky.

Backstage, Walter suggested that WPW join him in the only holiday tradition he’s ever enjoyed: a good, old-fashioned game of Crack the Whip. Walter hooked the arm of Tajiri, followed by Wrestler: Unstoppable. Brock Lesnar reluctantly grabbed ahold of Unstoppable, which soon changed the momentum of the whip. Lesnar finally released Unstoppable, sending his WPW teammates crashing through a wall and down a flight of stairs. For the first time all year, Brock Lesnar smiled.

Razor Ramon wished RVD best of luck in their upcoming World Heavyweight Championship match at Dr. Meinheimer. RVD did the same, but seemed very distracted by the Christmas tree the two of them were standing next to. Ramon shrugged it off and left Van Dam to marvel at the bright green pine.

In a local bar, Coach D competed against Eugene in a spiked egg nog drinking contest. Upon Eugene’s first sip, he immediately spat the liquid onto the D-Man. This sent D charging at Eugene and, considering there was an official already present, became a match. After being ridden around like a horse, Coach D was defeated by the former World champion. This defeat left Coach D’s appearance in the evening’s battle royal in question.

Count Out set out to find the perfect gift for Goldust. His attention was quickly drawn to a golden brush, which would be perfect for brushing Goldust’s golden wig. The price, however, was out of his range. The store owner told Count that he would trade the brush for his fangs. The time-challenged vampire reluctantly handed over his teeth, but obtained Goldust’s gift nevertheless.

A drunken Ric Flair stumbled to the ring in his robe. He said that he will be enforcing tonight’s Holly Jolly Hardcore match whether Walter likes it or not. He then introduced the first competitor, fresh back from deportation, Daivari. Daivari said that his New Year’s Resolution is to win the Laugh Like Pee-wee match and headline Diaz’s Fuck Fest X. But as the sound of glass shattering rang throughout the arena like silver bells, Daivari became a little less bold. Stone Cold proceeded to stomp a merry mudhole all over Daivari before Minnesotan Muslim fired back at him with Singapore candy canes. Things seemed to be in his favor until Flair disrobed, revealing that he had nothing on underneath but a stocking over the Space Mountain measuring stick. Austin hit a Stunner on the already stunned Daivari to pick up the victory.

Goldust set out to find the perfect gift for Count Out. Suddenly, he noticed Saba Simba waiting in line at a blood drive. Goldust told Saba he could get his blood drawn much faster elsewhere. He agreed to go with Goldie, but only if he could make a dream of his come true: if he were to give him the joy of having hair. Goldust hesitated, but gave Saba Simba his wig.

A 20-man Battle Royal was held consisting of all of the many partners going into Dr. Meinheimer, with the intention to see which team captain has the best eliminator on his team. DEFAULT, Brock Lesnar, Dynamite Derek, Carlito, Ricardo Diaz, Kingpin, Josh the Cat, and Macho Man were all on commentary for the bout but nobody could make out a word anyone was saying as they all talked simultaneously. As suspected Coach D didn’t make it to the match. Instead, a certain Ho-ho-hogan entered the fray in his place. Not Hulk, not Hollywood, not 80s. But rather Holiday Hogan. Holiday ran wild on the bout, at one point blocking Wrestler: Unstoppable’s offense by putting up a legitimate force field. Vigo the Carpathian also didn’t compete and was replaced by Dr. Janosz Poha. Vince McMahon boldly stated that he couldn’t wait to fire Vigo the Carpathian, but was quickly reminded that he has absolutely no power in SvR06. Also during the match-up, Count Out and Prankster Skates dove at each other from opposite ring posts. Count Out’s dropkick managed to keep Skates in the ring, but somehow ended him up on the losing end of an elimination. The contest came down to Ultimate Warrior and Prankster Ben. Warrior, with a head of steam, attempted a Dark Helmet from the top rope. Unfortunately, this resulted in Warrior sailing straight to the floor. Y2Jindrak interrupted Prankster Ben’s celebration, calling him a fluke winner. But, in a moment of true holiday splendor, The Pranksters gave Y2Jindrak a surprise, expenses paid trip as a gift. Jericho and Jindrak left the arena, perhaps putting aside all grudges and ill-will for the sake of the holidays. Y2Jindrak wound up on the next plane to Detroit.

Goldust and Count Out exchanged gifts with each other: a golden hairbrush from a fangless Count Out and a blood-donating Saba Simba from a wigless Goldust. As it began to set in what the two had done, Saba Simba boisterously laughed. Goldust and Count joined in the laughter and the two shared a genital-to-genital embrace, giving new meaning to yuletide gay.

As Christmas Eve drew to a close, the Holiday Hell in a Cell descended upon WWE Champion J-Pac and World Heavyweight Champion Sheamus. J-Pac battled gallantly, doing all he could in his power to become the first-ever Christmas Champion. But the red-haired, green-tights motif of Sheamus was far too festive and the World champion added the Christmas Championship to his collection in the end. This result didn’t sit well with one Holiday Hogan, who flew to the ring like a flash. With a boot and a legdrop, Holiday Hogan became the new Christmas Champion.

To celebrate this achievement, Michael Bublé appeared on stage to sing for everyone. Suddenly, Commissioner Walter P. Wiley interrupted Bublé and snatched the microphone away from him. Walter demanded to know who put coal in his stocking. A sleigh led by flying reindeer landed onstage as Santa Claus joined Walter. Santa told Walter that he has been beyond naughty this year. But he told the SvR06 Commissioner that it wasn’t too late to turn things around this year. Walter looked upon his employees, all who have likely had difficult year due to his leadership. An idea suddenly struck Walter. A thought that brought a joyful smile to his face. Walter then ordered Brock Lesnar to beat the holy hell out of Santa Claus and informed everyone that they would not be receiving a Christmas bonus this year. As the commissioner laughed manically, a bright light shined from the top of the arena. Everyone gazed upon the northern blaze with a magical gaze, as the light seemingly grew closer and brighter. As it grew closer, they realized this shining star was in fact a flaming Christmas tree. Riding the smoldering tree all the way to the bottom was RVD, heavily influenced by the fumes of the potent pine. Everyone dove out of the way plunging torched tree…except for Walter. The tree crashed upon him, flattening him like a gingerbread man. RVD poked his head out, peered around, and said “Oh man, what did I hit?” Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.